Today I want to write about “unconditional love” and why I do not believe in the concept as most people understand it to be. A friend of mine brought up the topic briefly yesterday and I said that I do not believe in the idea of unconditional love. As this statement surprised her, coming from an empath, I explained it a bit more.
By Wikipedia’s definition “unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such a true altruism or complete love”.
Unconditional love is said to be the continuance of love regardless of the conditions, but for love to be “unconditional” this means it must be felt mutually from both individual people involved. For one to see the conditions of “unconditional love” a couple must be placed in a situation that is consider “not normal” by society standards. I picked a situation to define this more, alcoholism.
Alcoholism is not a “disease” it is a “disorder” of the mind, it is a “disorder” of the choices you make. You don’t wake up one morning and find the lump of alcoholic desire in your throat as you would a tumor of cancerous cells. Drinking, like drugs, is a choice, regardless of the environment you grew up in or the genetics you were born to drinking alcohol is a personal choice. Too often I hear it said that so and so is an alcoholic because they were “predisposed to alcohol”. No, sorry you are not.
You might be “pre-exposed” to alcohol or even drugs, but with the latter we know every effort is made medically to move you away from such pre-disposition when you still an infant. In the case of growing up in an alcoholics’ household the simple solution is to move away from both alcohol and the alcoholic. I know you can not do that as easily as a young person, but I am talking about unconditional love and adults not children. To tell people otherwise, and to be told otherwise, is an excuse. Alcohol is an addiction that can be stopped.
Let me use a more subtle example of an addiction – caffeine. Every morning I must start my day with a cup of coffee otherwise I find I am more easily irritated by the little things through a good portion of the day, until I finally get a cup of coffee. Is this a disease? No, it is an addiction that I can change more easily than I think. There have been a couple mornings when I did not get a cup of coffee and still had to function through the day. I went about my activities and managed to survive. I did not run around abusing people, that I am aware of at least, nor did I curl up in the fetal position in a corner whimpering about coffee beans and creamers. If I really wanted to, I could quit drinking coffee today, but I find that I enjoy the taste of a good cup of joe as much as my body enjoys the caffeine. I do not have to stop drinking coffee because, in moderation, coffee drinking does not hurt me or others, certainly not in the same way drinking alcohol excessively does.
Let’s say you are a regular alcohol drinker and you meet someone who might, at best, be considered a social drinker. You get drunk, regularly, and they, in this case let’s say your girlfriend, believes they must tolerate your behaviour because that’s what people in love do right? That is what they think “unconditional love” involves. Perhaps they are right as they define it, but it is unfair to place them in that position where the love in the relationship is one sided.
I know this is the part where you say, “but I love her” and you would be right and wrong at the same time. If you truly loved someone you would not abuse them in this way. I do not mean you have laid a hand on them, or even yelled at them, but you have placed them in a position where they must choose between you and the reasons they fell in love with you – and I am pretty certain that you getting drunk on a regular basis was not one of those reasons.
I frequently tell friends that you must “find someone who does not complete you but someone who compliments you”. I know this goes against the whole mythos of “soulmate” and the idea that at one time two souls were one, split apart by the gods, and forced to spend the rest of their days seeking their other half. I was raised, not by my parents but by society, to believe that a soulmate is one who completes you. This is incorrect. A soulmate is one who compliments that which you are.
Let’s say, that a soulmate begins as a single entity split apart. This means that each part is made up of the whole. As that soul travels through time and space it picks up experiences and an education different from the other soul. When the two halves come back together to form a single soul, they are not the same entity that split apart from the beginning. They have each evolved on their own to be entirely separate individuals with differing hopes, dreams and passions. The coming together of these two halves is meant to merge these experiences together again, however, in doing so, not to lose any part of each individual half. I know I am not explaining this very well because you will likely say that the two halves coming together would mesh or merge together into one, completing the process. Perhaps you are right, but it is not what I believe, and you are reading this blog to get my perspective on this not yours.
Unconditional love involves two people who love each other no matter what, or, at least, one person who displays love or affection for another because they did in the past even though circumstances today make it hard for that love to be mutual. Bullcrap. Love is mutual, love is two hearts coming together as one, two souls sharing one path in life, and “true love” means not placing someone in the position where they must deal with your addiction as a condition of loving you. Unconditional love means never being placed in the position where you must sacrifice a part of yourself to love another.
What I am saying is that first, do not settle for love or more importantly do not settle to loving someone unconditionally without receiving the same unconditional love in return. If you love someone and they love you together you will be able to avoid those situations in life that are “not normal”. No one forced you to take that drink or to use that drug. It was a personal choice. If you do not want to do it you must choose to walk away from it. You must choose to love your girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, unconditionally as they unconditionally love you. That is what true love is.
That is probably one of several reasons why I am still single. Too many women I may have shared commonalities with are in situations like these, continuing relationships with other people because they feel they must sacrifice something of themselves for another. That is where the whole halves of the whole nonsense come into it. Love is not about sacrifice it is about acceptance, but acceptance with a conscience not with blinders on.
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