I think I have to put this in context. I was going to blog about it, but I don't know I want to think about this again later. In my years growing up my parents would go to Hanover on Friday night grocery shopping, and then on the pay week Saturday they would go to Owen Sound.
Well, when they went grocery shopping Friday, as a treat, they would bring back one chocolate bar for each of us. Sometimes I would be along for the ride and get to choose my bar there in the store. I chose Mars bars, but sometimes went for Oh Henry (because it was bigger), or another one I can't remember now. Well, that was one of those "memories" growing up that sticks with you.
So, for those of you that don't know, my mom died of cancer back in 2013. She had had cancer for 2 years or so when I decided I needed to head out west (another story). I saw her around April 13, two days before I left, in the hospital in Owen Sound. She was in the final days of stage 4.
Anyways, we said our goodbyes. I remember I said to her "bye, I'll see you later". I doubt she knew I was even there at that point. And I wasn't going to see her later as I was leaving in a couple days. I don't know why I said that you can think about it and apply religion, Heaven, whatever you want, that's not the story here.
Anyways, I was asleep in my van, when the call came into my voicemail, around 5:45am on May 4, 2013. She had passed away.
So May 4th, I was in Lloydminster, Alberta, and went to Sobeys that evening. After my shopping trip I wrote that entry in my trip diary.
"It's rippling..." was a wave of emotion that slammed into me when I had walked down that aisle, sadness, loss. I had gone most of the day, well, all of it, displaying very little emotion. In fact trying to put things out of my mind so that I could absorb it slowly. It was not so much the impact of the news. I knew it was coming. I had known, expected, wished for it for a couple weeks. My mom was not going to survive or get better so I was to the point I just wanted her to be able to go in peace. So, yeah...
I didn't really think about it a week ago. April was a disruptive month, emotionally, for me, it usually is. So May started on a rather 'gray' note and did not really improve much. And then there's Mother's Day. I don't celebrate it. I don't do the thing of 'remembering' her. That's just not how our family was. Life goes on.
My friend Anna says that's probably a part of what is causing the tension I have had in my neck and shoulders. So harsh it has been these past couple days it is a constant pain in the back of my head and neck. I think it is many things, including our typically (note: TYPICALLY) Ontario spring weather. It was +18'C last night when I drove home from work and I think it might be around +4'C tonight. Either way it has me searching for either a Chiropractor (which I had back in 2013 before I went out west) or a Massage Therapist, right now either one would definitely help.
Okay, time for bed.
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