New Years Eve 2019
When I think back to New Years Eve’s in the past, I recall only a few that stand out in my mind.
I remember one time getting so drunk I passed out and woke up in a panic feeling like I was going to die. I remember the Y2K New Years Eve, I was in a townhouse in Worthington, I can’t recall any positive memories from that place.
I remember celebrating with friends, having a sleep-over at one friend’s place in his attic rec room. Omg I just remembered, one time when the three of us were up there partying we started throwing pretzels out the window. One of the pretzels got caught on a branch far enough from the window it couldn’t be retrieved. Now those memories those are good ones.
New Years Eve used to hold meaning to me as the time you would write resolutions for the coming year. That was, until I discovered like most people that I did not keep any of the resolutions I had written. It felt like a waste of time and it was. Now you may be saying ‘goals’ are the same as ‘resolutions’, as I have come up with four goals for 2019, but they are not the same thing.
The Dictionary tells us that “resolution – a firm decision to do or not do something”, whereas a “goal - the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result”. For example, a resolution is like saying “I resolve to always be on time for work”. This is a firm decision with a definitive outcome, either you are on time for work or you are not. Whereas, a goal could be “My goal is to eat healthy meals at lunch”. There is a number of variables involved that affect whether or not you will reach this goal to eat healthier. There is no immediate punishment for not eating healthier, unlike being late for work which comes with a penalty.
Resolutions, to me at least, just seem to be something you want to place on the most common things in life, your schedule, your behaviour around others, your firm unwavering actions. Goals are something you ‘want’ to achieve to improve or enhance the conditions around you.
The point is, I don’t set ‘resolutions’ for myself on New Years Eve anymore. And, because of the traditions that stuck with me following my neo-pagan years, I now set goals more often throughout the year and particularly on October 31 and December 31. The first, in October, is more a look back at the past year, and tweaking what I can before the entire calendar year has concluded. Those set in December tend to be more life path goals, while those in October tend to be more spiritual goals.
And then there is the periods of transitioning, those months or years when things are just to unstable in my life to set any goals for the future. This past October was one of those times, and, unfortunately, it leads to uncertainty and a state of contemplation that never seems to really be resolved.
When I returned to Ontario in April 2017 it was after a year of negativity in my life. There are so many people out there who seek to do nothing but treat you like crap, to boost their egos, and to do their best to ruin you. I wanted to stay out west but take this cloud of negativity and add in the almost ten percent unemployment rate to the mix and I felt I needed to ‘come home’. Well, now, about eighteen months later and I think I have recharged enough to pick up my proverbial backpack and set off walking down my path again.
I need a better pair of ‘shoes’ for this journey, in the virtual sense, for example when I take to writing in my blog or a roleplay, I now play videos of meditative study and concentration music on YouTube. This helps me to concentrate by freeing my mind of worldly distractions like my smartphone or noises of people moving around upstairs.
Another foundational (footwear in this metaphor) task is to not be laying down in bed while I’m trying to read or write – it’s just not successful. I will usually occupy my mind with other things until finally I am too tired to process words or thoughts and I will fall asleep with the task incomplete. I found out recently I am not the only person to be plagued by this, and I told them the best thing to do when you want to write is to use music, when you want to read find a place that is uncomfortable – for me that’s the front seat of my truck. It might be nice to lean the chair back and put my feet up on the dash but it’s still not a bed or reclining chair and that’s enough to keep me alert and focused on the book.
Music has started to play a bigger role in my life again, and not the Top Ten horribly repetitive crap you hear on the radio on the drive to work. I am talking meditative music, instrumental piano and violin, music to write with or study or sleep to. I’ve tried that a few times now, playing music designed to help me sleep. I didn’t stick with it, it was more like a sleep aid, once I got my sleeping patterns back on track, I was able to fall asleep naturally with just white noise in the background (usually a fan).
I am listening to music right now while I write this. The video includes a slideshow of a variety of nature images to accompany the motivational piano. Right now, there is a picture of snow-capped mountain peaks and in the foreground a deep lake reflecting the clouds and rock. I would love to download hours of this type of music onto my smartphone, so I could just listen to it and relax whenever I need to or write whenever I want to.
I guess that’s it for now, have a good night!