“The first task of the person who wishes to live wisely is to free himself or herself from the confines of self absorption.” The Art of Living Epictetus (Sharon Lebell).
One of the hardest things to learn, perhaps the hardest thing to adapt, was the ability to de-value all the material things in my life. I mean everything, from the smallest insignificant receipt to larger things like appliances to more sentimental things like old journals and photographs.
In my challenge to declutter my life I had to take a mobile home worth of stuff, that’s six rooms, and condense it down to only what would fit in the back of an SUV. It would have been an impossible task if I had not first looked at my material possessions in a different way.
The first thing I collected up to get rid of was all my office supplies. I had piles and piles of pens, tape, notepaper, notebooks, rulers, hole punches, calculators, the list goes on. I kept only what I needed to pursue work and occupancy in another place and the rest went into a box. I asked a neighbour of mine if they could use the supplies and they happily took them off my hands.
The household items were the easiest to part with because I didn’t know where I was going to be ending up so I really wouldn’t need two cheese graters for a while. Yes, that’s the first indication I had that I had too much junk in my life when I found two cheese graters in my kitchen drawer. You might be wondering why this is so significant? I mean, everyone has a cheese grater these days and by chance I happened to have two, big deal. Well, you see, the thing is, I don’t cook. I mean sure I’ll throw bags of vegetables and a roast into a slow cooker now and then but I don’t compile ingredients and mix them up into a conglomeration that will hopefully transform into something edible.
In addition to the fact that I don’t cook is the fact that I have grated cheese in years. I think I might have grated it once about ten years ago, and only because someone told me to at the time. So, the fact that here, in my kitchen cupboard drawer, were not one but two cheese graters was a clear indication that I bought things for the sake of owning them and that habit needed to change. And it wasn’t just cheese graters in that drawer, I had an entire collection of spatulas, graters, ladles, knives and enough utensils to serve a gathering of a dozen. I’m single, live thousands of kilometres from family and I rarely had anyone over to my house let alone a dozen people. The kitchen items were easy to part with and except for a few of the essentials I boxed everything up and put it in the pile to donate.
I had a brand-new microwave I offered to sell to someone but they didn’t take me up on it so it, along with a crock pot and various other items were lumped into the donation pile. Someone somewhere just got a good deal on a three-month-old microwave.
All the cleaning supplies I had accumulated had to go. Dryer sheets, air fresheners, toilet bowl cleaners, hand soaps and cleaning cloths were all piled into one box and given to a neighbour. They ended up giving me $10 for it so that was cool.
Clothing was another easy one to part with. I had a lot of t-shirts, sweatshirts and other things that I never wore. I disposed of all my old underwear and socks, literally, and bought new ones. This not only allowed me to replace my current stock with fresh new un-holey pairs but allowed me to dictate just how many of each I would have in my wardrobe selection. I had several bulky coats and light zippered ponchos I never wore and were in very good to brand new condition. I put all of them into garbage bags and added them to the donation pile.
I sold them one of my televisions and even threw in a power bar for good measure so it meant that everything went in one trip. I made $50 off the whole pile and that would pay for over half a tank of gas so I was happy. I had recently purchased an acoustic guitar but just never found the time to learn to play it let alone even tune it so I gave it to a neighbour to give to a young relative of theirs. I didn’t ask for money, someone else was going to get use out of it and that’s all that really mattered to me.
I sold another television, yes, I owned three televisions, to a friend of mine. He paid $160 for it plus a Blu-ray and a DVD player with power bar also included.
I had a collection of over thirty “owl” related items, figurines, pictures, garden art and much more. All of it, along with a dozen or so other things around the house, were placed in the donation pile. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate only to sit around your house, look at once in a blue moon, and collect dust constantly. Perhaps that’s on purpose, I mean if we didn’t have little things sitting around the house collecting dust we might never be reminded that there is dust that needs to be cleaned. Yeah, I don’t believe that reasoning either.
Now, with food I learned growing up the importance of keeping canned goods in reserves so I had a lot of that to pack up. I wasn’t about to donate it because I can eat it and it just saved me about $50 in grocery costs. So, I packed up my food, it took 3 file boxes to carry it all.
Paperwork and files was the hardest one to sort, at first, mostly because there was just so much of it. I had piles of old tax records that I’ve had to carry around year after year. I checked the Canada Revenue site and it said to keep them for six years (not seven) beyond the last date. Which was great news because about three quarters of it was from 2011 and before.
I had piles of journals covering everything from the weather to whatever thoughts I had drifting through my head at the time to various comments about work. I decided to keep only the one that I wrote during my drive out west back in 2013 and I manually shredded the rest. In total, it took about two days to go through and destroy all the old documents and pile them into three garbage bags. Next time I need to buy a shredder. And finally, old photographs. I don’t think I kept more than a dozen of them, mostly of my parents, and the rest I shredded along with the files.
In total, I think it took about a week to go through my entire trailer home and declutter my life. I took two truck loads to the donation, half a load to neighbours, and two loads to the dump. When I was finished though I had 2 duffel bags of clothes, 3 boxes of food, 1 pack with camping and survival gear, 1 suitcase full of books, 1 carry-on bag full of paperwork and notebooks and my entire life fit in the back of my SUV. Mission accomplished.
It is anti-democratic perhaps, but I believe every Citizen, not resident, Citizen, should be issues a Canadian Citizenship Voter Photo Identification Card, AND, I believe that voting should be mandatory even if you vote ‘Abstained’.
Everyone goes on and on about democracy and freedom yet do little to uphold those rights they enjoy daily. I was one of those people, for reasons I will outline below, who did not vote in every election, but not anymore. Now, I will vote and vote and vote again!
Let’s look at a few of these terms I am tossing around, in particular democracy and my participation in my right to vote.
A “democracy”, which means to “rule by the people” was first used by the Greeks of ancient Athens to describe their city-state’s system of self-rule. Their society peaked around 430 BC under the politician and skilled orator Pericles. Pericles was born of the noble family Alcmaeonidae. It was through connections made by his mother, Agariste, that Pericles entered the political realm. Pericles promoted his populist socialist policy following the ostracizing of his political opponent Cimon. Peracles sought for the expansion and stabilization of democratic institutions and did so through war and conquest.
A democracy, defined by Wikipedia, is a “system of government by the whole populations or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives”. In other words, to have a democracy our government representatives must be elected, this is achieved through voting in elections.
The “right to vote” in Canada has been a long process spanning most of its early development as a nation. In pre-Confederation times the right to vote was first extended to property owners only, this condition was later removed. It is interesting to note that women had the ability to regularly vote in Canada from 1791 to 1849 and there are reports of women voting in Nova Scotia and New Brunswick.
The Canadian Encyclopedia states that “a few women have also been identified as voters” including “at least 27 Mohawk women” who cast ballots in an 1825 election. Some “Catholic, Protestant and Jewish women with property voted in early Quebec elections”.
It was in 1843 with the insertion of the word “male” into law that New Brunswick differentiated between “male” and “female” and denied women the right to vote, idealizing that women were the guarantors of cultural survival and therefore had no place in a political life. It was the clear legal distinction between “men” and “women” (much like what we have today) that led to the removal of women’s rights to vote or participate in politics in a couple provinces.
In the other parts of Canada women were not allowed to vote until the women’s suffrage movement which granted women the right to vote and participate in politics in 1900 with the first victory to vote in a provincial election, in Manitoba, in 1916. Quebec was the last province to grant women the right to vote, in 1940 followed by the North-West Territories in 1951.
It took me about a week to do all the chronology on my life. No one says when you are 16 “hey you might want to start writing down everything you do because at 47 you will want to look back on it to write a blog article”.
When I was sixteen, we didn’t even have “blogs”. I remember in grade seven and eight we would have assigned “diary writing” as part of our creative writing class. This involved writing about the days’ activities, or, the all important first entry “what I did during my summer”. The diary would be placed in a stack on the teacher’s desk, and, after the teacher had left the room the troublemakers would go up and start reading through aloud everyone’s private thoughts. I knew this happened so my entries would be short and lacking much personal detail, I guess you could call that one of my first experiences with ‘self-imposed censorship’.
I can still, to this day, remember some of the things I wrote about. A visit to a friend’s grandparents’ cabin (which, I initially did not write about but my mother corrected me on it when she asked what I did in school that day, so I had to write something about it the next day) and the downing of Korean Airlines Flight 007 that was shot down by the Russians in 1983 (I was 12).
Okay, back to voting. I was able to track down through memory all of the times I believe I voted in an election. I was legally allowed to vote in 1989, as a Canadian male citizen having achieved the age of maturity, age 18. The first election I voted in was in 1993. I voted for the Progressive Conservatives. It was not because I really knew what they stood for but instead I remembered watching a politician by the name of Larry Grossman on television back in the 80s and I liked the guy. I knew “Liberals were evil”, probably because of the whole Chretien-speech mocking I had heard. So, I guess, voting Progressive Conservative, I voted for a female Prime Minister. Too bad it was another decade before I learned just what a terrible joke Kim Campbell turned out to be. Murray Cardiff was our local MP back then, he lost to Paul Steckle, a Liberal, in 1993, by 8,000 votes.
The next election, also while I was living in Ontario, was not until 2006. From 1994 to 2003 I had moved to Ohio, where as a Canadian citizen, I married an American woman. I am not going to go into that right now, you can read about my previous entry called something like ‘Victim of Divorce’. I remember that while living in Brampton in the early 90s I had the idea in my head I wanted to start my own political party. I would call it “Party 16”, since Canada had 15 political parties jockeying for a position in the 1993 election many of which had candidates in Peel region.
In 2006 I had quite the expanded view of politics, living through the Clinton and Bush Jr years firsthand, and, of course, 9/11 (also a previous blog entry). What I saw had pretty thoroughly disgusted me and when I returned to Canada in 2003 I had very little interest in either the PC’s or the Liberals. The NDP were losers back then, not quite as much as they are today, but no one voted NDP unless you supported Layton and his war on the unions (back then Unions were good). In 2006 I voted for our Independent candidate, whoever that was, and again in 2008. I had no desire to vote for Larry Miller, Conservative, he was controversial, from Grey County (not Bruce where I lived) and worst of all, the same party that brought us Mulroney and Campbell.
I did, however, have a passion for politics and, in 2006, I was the first person to submit my nomination application to run in the Municipality of Kincardine municipal election as a “candidate at large” in their new hybrid system. The system voted on by referendum was a combination of candidates representing specific “wards” and others “at large”. It was their way of trying to bring better representation to those constituents living outside of the developed areas of Kincardine and Tiverton.
At the time I was working for a local retailer and, while I could have approached customers to garner their support in the upcoming election, I did not think it was right. My boss, however, had no problem with letting one of my competitors stand for hours at a time in the store talking it up with local residents in a feeble attempt to win their support. I did not win, I did not come close, but I did beat this person (who finished dead last) by sticking to my morals and not sinking to the level of using my workplace (or his if he even had a job) as a soap box for politics. Maybe that’s why I lost, too moral to be a politician?
In 2009 I think, or 2010, I was operating a bookstore in Hanover, and I did not pay much attention to politics. After that closed, I was in Nunavut for almost a year, during the 2011 federal election. I think I returned to Ontario around the same time as the election, so I did not vote because I did not know the candidates or the platforms they represented.
In 2013 I moved out west for a few years, settling in Alberta. Out west I got a real taste of two philosophies, the “old boys club” (which I had also experienced while running for office in Kincardine) and “frontier justice” (the understanding that the police were not always there at your beck and call, like Ontario, and sometimes you had to take the law into your own hands). As it turns out, the RCMP, whom I had never experienced in Ontario (the local RCMP office closing over a decade before that) were not always the “good guys”, a discussion for another day but in the meantime, you can look up “High River”.
By 2013 I had completely lost any faith in, what would later in 2018 be called, the Libcon bird. Both the Conservatives under Harper and the Liberals under pretty boy Trudeau (oh, and I told people even before the Conservatives did that he was “just not ready” to be a leader but I based that on his experience and age more than what would later be his personal ethics and beliefs). In 2015 though I was voting in the Provincial election.
And this is where the Albertans and I disagree, perhaps because I was an “outsider” voting in the election, but I feel I got a more objective view of what was happening. In 2015 the Conservatives had been led by the atrocious leader we unlovingly referred to as “Princess Redford”. It was clear, in the minds of everyone including Albertans, that the Conservatives, after 42 years, had fallen to the same level of corruption as other parties. Though even then Albertans could not admit that the Federal Conservatives were corrupted, to them Harper was a God.
In the 2015 Provincial election in Alberta the New Democratic Party won a landslide victory over the Conservatives. I rarely participated in Provincial elections and did not vote in one until 2015.
You will still have Albertans today trying to claim that the Wildrose Party (the official opposition before and after 2015) somehow “split the vote”. This is bonafide Albertan ranch horsepucky. One has only to look at the election results to see the Wildrose followers, myself included, had absolutely nothing to do with the horrible choice that ALBERTANS made of placing the New Democratic Party (NDP) and Rachel Notley in power. I mean seriously, get a grip.
Let’s look at the numbers, NDP 54 seats, Wildrose 21 seats, PC 10 seats, Alberta Party 1 seat, Liberals 1 seat. Now I don’t know, maybe Albertans are using some of that “liberal math” when they say the Wildrose Party “split the vote” (just like the PPC’s will do they say) but when you add 21, 10 and 2 together you get 33, which is FAR BELOW the 54 seats the NDP won.
No folks, sorry, it was NOT a vote split that caused the NDP to win Alberta. It was arrogance and pig-headedness that voters chose to send a message rather than choosing the party that was right for Alberta’s future. The same mentality that brought us Trudeau and the Liberals into the Federal majority governance.
Wildrose Party was the first political party I became a member of, around 2016 until 2017 when they lied to me about Jason Kenney and sold their souls to the Conservative party. I recall Brian Jean was the leader of the Wildrose Party then, having taken over from Danielle Smith, who had also sold her soul to Prentice and the Conservatives along with seven others. The corruption of the Wildrose Party ran deep and so did the lying. When Kenney started trying to recruit members of the Wildrose, myself included, to become Conservative.
I emailed Wildrose HQ on September 15, 2016 “Who is Jason Kenney and why am I being asked to join the PC party?”
On the same day I got this reply
Thank you for your email.
Jason Kenney is vying for the leadership of the PC party and is pushing a united conservative agenda that is spearheaded by idea of the Wildrose and PC party merging. At this time, we are open to have these discussions but have not decided anything as we continue to work hard for all Albertans as the Official Opposition.
Do you know who contacted you?
I replied with: “I got an email that said it was from him info at jasonkenney and at the bottom of the email Unite Alberta Ltd. I didn’t join Wildrose to support the PC’s, I first chose them specifically because they were Not one of the Big 3, so I hope they don’t go that route.
And three days later Jennifer replied to me once again,
The Unite Alberta Ltd is not affiliated in any way with the Wildrose Party. The Unite Alberta Ltd is a private venture that is lobbying in support of Jason Kenny’s proposal.
The Wildrose party is independent of the PC party, it’s lobbyists and any fundraising/donation campaigns that may be going on. We conduct our own fundraising and membership drives and only contact those people from our database.
Thank you for your support!
Apparently, no one had shared the memo with Jennifer that Brian Jean, beacon of all things moral and god-like in the Fort Mac fire, was in the process of selling out the Wildrose Party to, what would later be coined, the United Conservatives. I wonder where Jennifer is today? I wonder if she was one of the 5% who opposed the merger. I was not because when I found out about the merger, I cut up my Wildrose Party membership card in disgust.
In 2016 the “2008 Recession” had finally settled into Alberta and by 2017 I was out of a job. After a couple months I moved back to Ontario in May 2017 and was working by June. The interesting thing to note, today Albertans place so much blame on the current government for losing their jobs.
In 2013 or 2014, when I first moved to Alberta, though, a few of the “old boys” were talking about how the big oil companies were getting ready to ‘move their head offices to Vancouver and their operations to Saskatchewan’. Now I don’t know all the details, but it seems like the collapse of the Albertan economy was already begun long before Trudeau took office in 2015 (Trudeau, the Liberals and the NDP just made it far worse).
In 2018 I voted in two elections. The first was the leadership of the Progressive Conservatives in Ontario. I had paid attention to the nightmare that Wynne-bag and the Liberals had placed Ontario into, particularly with this ridiculous “Green Energy Initiative” and I wanted to do what I could to defeat them.
I liked Doug Ford’s almost Trump-like attitude toward things and while I do not agree with him on about half of what he has to say I still figured he was what was needed for Ontario. I still believe this to be true even though he has repealed some of the things I support. He is, though, far more of a true Conservative than Andrew Scheer will ever be. I voted for him as Leader of the Conservatives and then again for Premier of the province. If you don’t like that, too bad. I will make it worse by saying I applaud his efforts to repeal all of this ridiculous gender sex ed nonsense from our schools and government.
And, in 2018, the Municipality of Kincardine had a municipal election that I voted in, and, in keeping with my spiteful tradition of not voting for the popular candidates, I did everything I could to vote for the people I had not heard of before or had had no previous dealings with. I have always supported the “underdog” (like the Wildrose Party) and I am always wanting to see “new blood” in office. That being said, the “new blood” must be sensible and logical (so basically anyone who is not Liberal or leftist minded).
So, a few statistics here. I voted in a total of seven elections in my lifetime. That is not really that many given the fact that, only based on my time while not in the US, there were eighteen elections in the municipalities, provinces and country of Canada that I lived in at the time. My participation, or lack thereof, I associate mostly with the fact that I frequently moved from place to place. If I do even the very rough calculations, I have moved approximately a dozen times, and that is only in Canada (living for a time in Ontario, Alberta and Nunavut), many of my moves within three to six months of an election.
Interestingly enough, even though I’ve blocked their number and, last time, told them not to call me ever again. I got two letters from the PC Party of Ontario. The first, my membership card, better late than never I guess since I joined them back in February 2018 or so, and, a receipt for my donation of $25. Gee thanks, I filed my taxes about a week ago, so I guess I’ll save the whole $5 tax credit til my 2019 return.
I joined the People’s Party of Canada in October 2018. I am the President/CEO of the Huron-Bruce PPC Association (Electoral District). I have no intentions of ever voting Conservative again (and I have never voted Liberal in my entire life, sorry whoever that troll was who once tried, no twice, to say that I had). If the PPC does not have a Candidate in my riding I will vote Independent once again to take another shot at downing the Lib-Con bird once and for all.
UPDATE: I decided that the only way to make a difference in this country, and my riding, was to stand up and run for office myself. I am the People's Party of Canada candidate for Huron-Bruce riding 2019.
Lately there have been some trolls and anons (you know who you are, but don't worry I know too because I've taken screenshots of all of your remarks) commenting about my divorce, in particular saying things like "no wonder she left you". They don't know me, nor do they know anything about my divorce. In truth I left her. A year or so I wrote a blog entry about it, that they clearly didn't read. Here it is for you once again.
Write What You Know – Parental Rights
When I asked several people what I should write about in my blogs most replies were along the line of “what about your past experiences”. I think people like to read about your, or my in this case, childhood experiences all the way up to yesterday for several reasons. It expands their view of the world, it passes on traditions and ideas that they might not have thought of, or, it invokes some emotional response that they miss or don’t get to experience much in the here and now.
So what do I write about, well, I guess the best thing to write about is usually the hardest thing to talk about and that would be my daughter. Yes, I have a daughter. I know, my friends and co-workers who will end up reading this blog at some point probably didn’t even know I was married (almost nine years of hell) or that we had a girl together.
I don’t talk about my daughter because I don’t even know her anymore. All of you women out there who have divorced someone, and kept their kids away from them. Shame on you. You talk about the emotions and feelings of the children and then you do things like that?!
Okay, so let’s begin at the end. I moved out, separated, at the end of March 2003. My daughter had just turned seven in January. I had left my job, I lost my home, I lost everything that wouldn’t fit in the back of a station wagon, well, two technically. I moved back to Canada and in with my parents at thirty-two years old.
Now, we parted ways on fairly amicable terms, which was kind of surprising seeing as most of our marriage had been filled with verbal abuse and financial debt. I won’t go into details, this isn’t about that.
The timeline after is what matters.
In 2003 I got divorced. We settled on me paying no child support for the first five years. It was her way of allowing me to get back on me feet. My way for her was to not be mean and pull the rug out from under her. I left her the equity in the house, all of the furniture and, most importantly, my daughter.
I mean, I had no choice. I couldn’t support her. No job, no house, hell I didn’t even have furniture. I had a used car full of personal effects and tax records.
So, the first summer apart my ex did her part and brought my daughter up to see me. You know, to be honest, I can’t even remember now if it was one summer or two, but only a couple weeks I think. The point was after that my ex said that I had to pay for my daughter to come up to Canada and that she wouldn’t bring her the fourteen hours by car anymore. She implied that the expense was too much for her.
Did I mention that two weeks after our divorce she, my ex, married her fourth husband, after secretly “hanging out” with him before our divorce and getting him to buy things for the kids? Oh yeah. He was a computer tech for a major Ohio bank and made over one hundred thousand a year American, but bringing my daughter up to see me for two weeks of the year was “too expensive” for my ex. At the same time, I was working as a stock clerk making around thirteen thousand a year Canadian and she still had a management job netting over three grand a month. Yup, too expensive.
Anyways, so five years passed and by then I was about ten thousand in debt and working at the same job. I was up to about sixteen thousand Canadian gross income at that point. I had had little contact with my daughter since 2005. I think I might have received a couple brief letters from her and that was it. I also heard about the letter my ex sent my parents, I read it, alleging that I had been involved in an affair. It was kind of ironic actually, since I possessed emails from her “male friend” talking trash about me and serenading her. The “girl” I met, online, I never actually met in person. The thing was, and I had told my parents the whole story before my separation, was that I asked for a divorce on November 8. I met this girl, woman, online on November 10 – and I never met her in person! Ever. Anyways, I digress.
One day I got a letter from the court stating that I would have to pay, literally, hundreds per month in child support. If I remember correctly it amounted to about 75% of my pay. Naturally I protested. I had offered to pay less, and I’d paid a couple of the medical bills – even though none of the medical/dental procedures had ever been discussed with me nor did I think some of them were really necessary. But anyways, I digress. Dig… the rest?
So, in short, I talked to her lawyer a few times and during that time my ex tried to scam the court with some old medical paperwork of hers claiming she couldn’t work. It was a year old, the court threw it out. I ended up in a bind though. I couldn’t travel to Ohio to fight it because I was broke. I couldn’t afford to pay child support, which I proved was just her way to make my life miserable. My ex’s fourth husband had died and his life insurance likely paid off the house, plus she had a $20,000 vacation booked for herself and ALL of her family, daughters, their husbands, their kids, her parents… and here she was suing me for support??
I talked with the lawyer some more, and through negotiation I agreed to give up my parental rights if they reduced the child support to $0 a month. I did, however, add as a stipulation, that should my ex die (one can only hope) that my daughter would be left in the custody of my ex’s youngest daughter from another marriage. I didn’t trust her parents and since I was pretty much forced to give up my rights I couldn’t challenge for custody if the situation occurred. And, they agreed. That was 2008.
Talk about my ex and money. I found out that her fourth husband had died, the only way to get away from her I guess. She tried to lay a guilt trip on me, oh, not about how heartbroken my daughter was after finding him keeled over in the livingroom – oh she did briefly mention that. No, she said that (paraphrased) “had you only let him adopt her then they could have received (something like, I forget now) $2,000 a month in death benefits with her as his adopted daughter, but because I didn’t then she got nothing”. Adopt? I told her that had she even asked me I would have signed the papers just to get my ex off my back (in 2003). In the end all my ex ever cared about was money and this just proved it. Oh, yeah, I could tell you some stories alright.
I think the last time I heard from my daughter was 2008, in the time I called down there to rip my ex a new one over the court case. I believe, yearly, my daughter had contact with my parents. I seemed to remember them talking about her, but I tried not to think about it. I couldn’t.
So, I guess it was about 2011 or so that I found some “stories” my daughter had written online. They contained a lot of lies and inaccuracies. If they had been true I would have just left them, but they weren’t so I contacted the website provider and ordered them to remove them or face legal. They were removed within the day. I knew that my daughter had been completely corrupted by lies that my ex had fed her over the years and there would be no getting her back.
It’s 2013 then 2014 and my daughter, now 18, contacts my father telling him that she is “18 and she can call whoever she wants to”, additional evidence that my ex made sure my daughter never contacted me in any way. And, the court made certain I couldn’t contact her, under penalty of violating our agreement of non-contact. I was, by the court, no longer her father and therefore had no right to contact her.
My father told my daughter that my mom had passed in 2013 of cancer. He told me he gave her my contact information but she has never tried to reach me. I’m everywhere, I’m not hard to find, but two years later… I know that my ex (and probably her kids too) corrupted my daughter with so many lies, so much paranoia, but sometimes you just can’t undo what has been done…
I guess the last time I spoke to my daughter was about eight years ago, during the legal issues. I know where she is, I know what she looks like… but I’ll probably never contact her. She doesn’t want to talk to me, I guess that’s for the best. I once told my parents that I would wait for her to contact me. I knew it would be years, or perhaps decades, but I felt that by that time I would have mostly forgotten all the things her mother had done to me. I thought that by then I’d be able to carry on a normal conversation without the bitterness and hatred of her mother. After all, your father leaves you the last thing you want to hear from him is how much he hated your mother right?
Do I hate my ex? A part of me still does. A part of me hates her for the way she treated me but you know what, it was mutual. I admitted that and accepted responsibility for my part in that years ago. And no, I never ever hit her, it was verbal and mental abuse on both our parts. A story for another time. So I don’t have any real emotions connected to that “hate” it’s more just a word to me to express strong dislike. My ex just turned 62 last November so, yeah.
Do I love my daughter? A part of me never stopped loving her. I did what I did, leaving, because it was the best thing for her. I know most people don’t get that and will disagree, but when your parents argue non-stop every day for years how can that be a good house for you to grow up in? It can’t, I knew it couldn’t. And it wasn’t for me either, that’s why on November 8, 2002 I asked her for a divorce “because my soul is dying” I told my, now, ex. If your soul dies how can you help another soul to grow and flourish?