More questions from the questionnaire:
Question: What are your top three insecurities?
Is that like doing tasks as good as people expect them to be, or perhaps as I believe they expect them to be? I would say that, as an adult, I have used the phrase "I'll do as best I can" more lately than ever before.
My insecurity or anxiety or lack of confidence is definitely rooted in how I believe others perceive me and the "impression" I give to others. The problem is this is based on environment and my feelings of frustration which then project an image I am someone I am not.
Insecurity would be how others see me in a work capacity, since socially I have very little interaction with others. At work so long as I have the necessary resources available to me to complete the task I will. I will admit to holding myself back on several occasions, declining to step forward to take an opportunity to advance because I felt I was not ready at the time. That is a feeling of insecurity. In the end I would take the job and do my job but I was always a bit 'slow out the gate' so to speak.
Question: What was the situation surrounding a time you had your heart broken (if any) and how did this affect your life?
Which time? Does not every relationship with another that ends end in a feeling that your heart was broken or about to break? Is there ever a time we are truly happy to see someone we care about leave our lives? While some women in my life have let me down in some way or another by ending a relationship I would not say overall that I have been left heartbroken but at the time my heart felt pained.
Do I recall a specific time that I felt the pain to the point of heart break?
Yes I do. It has been some time passed now so I can write about it.
A while back, over a decade ago, I met a woman on one of those online dating sites. We met at a motel room for the intention of having a one night stand. She was married, had two kids, and, according to her comments her husband neglected her because she did not have the model body he wanted her to have. I was horny and single so it did not matter to me that she was still legally married.
The one night stand worked out nicely for both of us and at dawn we were both left satisfied but still wanting more. Our relationship was based on sex but we did seem to have a connection emotionally.
She and I had several consensual sexual encounters in places I never would have imagined myself in before. I think I added about four or five new "Have you ever had sex in..." places to my list. Besides the sex, which was good, I respected her and valued her for who she was as an individual and who she wanted to be and our talks brought us closer together.
After about two years of secret rendezvous in parks, parking lots and a couple other places I will not mention, she decided it was time to re-commit herself to her relationship with her husband. I think that they re-located down to the city and I have not heard from her since.
I can say this is one of the times in my life that I was left heart broken. Could it have worked? No, probably not. The baggage that would come from a volatile break-up with her husband would have led to her possibly losing custody of her kids and her stable lifestyle.
So yes, as I write this I am sure there are women out there reading who condemn me and say they would never be with me because I chose to have sex with a married woman. Fine, not that I will remind you that it takes two participants to have a sexual encounter. I do not care what you think and you do not have to worry because if you feel you can judge someone for their past actions I would not want to be with you anyways.
If you ask how I would feel if some guy did that to me with my wife today (I do not have a wife by the way) I would tell you that I would never allow my today wife to feel she was worthless just because she had a few more pounds than "normal". I can not help that she was on the website. I can not help that she sought me out and that she came to the motel room that night.
I think it was just last year that someone had asked me if I had ever really been in love. I said, Yes, that while the words 'I love you' have certainly been used by me in the past there are three women in my life I can stand here today and say that I truly loved. I had fallen in love with her and she with me.
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