A couple years ago I compiled some old poetry into a book and released it under a pseudonym. I can comfortably say that the book bombed miserably. I don't think I sold a single copy of the one hundred printed. But that's okay because I didn't pay for it to be printed.
So I decided that I would try again, adding more poems and this time releasing it under my real name. And so I have spent the last year or so procrastinating. I had the book ready, sent it to proof, only to discover a pile of errors. It was bad enough I had to scrap the whole thing and start over. And now, here we are in December 2016 and I still don't have it done.
It is my goal for this winter. It has to be. I have the printing of it paid for I just need to put ink to paper. And so for anyone reading this who knew about the first book or is anxiously waiting for the second, it's coming - soon.
My life has gone in so many directions that I never seem to finish the path I am on.
I have been thinking lately about the decisions I have made in my life. How those decisions, while beneficial to me along the way have left me alone in the present. I spent over a decade of my life pining for a women who would, in the end, deceive me. Did I waste all those years, perhaps, but I don't think so.
It is human nature, how we are brought up, that the ends must justify the means in a positive and rewarding manner. But what if failure is the reward? Who is really to say that a negative ending to something will not, some day, be a positive experience. I look at this particular situation. Do I feel heart broken and pained in some permanent way that things didn't work out. No, in fact I feel it was her loss not mine. I'm no Prince Charming but I do consider myself loyal, honest and trust-worthy, at least I try to be. So in the end she has lost me and that's her loss.
So where does this experience leave me? Well, better I think, at least on a soulful level. But I have often wondered what it would have been like had things worked out between us. It's not a regret or anything so much as simple curiousity.
And now, the path I am on seems to be stable, and stable while boring is still good. I have a good job, a roof over my head, a vehicle that runs and no debts, for someone in their mid-40s I'd say I'm doing pretty darned good.
It's hard to write about, sure I want a decent woman to share my life with but then I don't feel that I must have someone in my life to feel happy. I am happy, in that I am content. Outside of when I'm working I do what I want, I watch the shows I want to, I listen to the music, read the books, eat whatever I want to. That's the path I'm on, the path I walked 45 years to get to. And now what... where will this path lead me?
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